Just Not Getting It Right

Sorry I have been so quiet, things have just been so hectic with Daniel and Joshua!They almost 2 months old. Time really does fly! Ok, not in the moment, but when I look back, I cant believe 8 weeks have already passed!
They have grown so much and I still sometimes cant believe that they are actually mine.

Now for the moaning:
I am struggling to get them into a proper routine. I am trying so hard, but it just doesnt seem to work. Add to that both of them are colicky, and Joshua doesnt sleep! I am tired. I have never been so tired in my life. Sleep deprivation is the worst form of torture, I have decided!
I just dont know what I am doing wrong. I have followed everyone's advice, but still I am not getting it right. People are telling me that they should be in a routine by now, and I ahave spoken to a few twin moms, and all their babies were in a strict routine by this stage, and they were already sleeping longer hours.

I feel so incapable. Why am I battling so much? Will I ever get this motherhood thing right?

Some Pics Of My Boys

My Birth Story

I already posted this on OPM, but have added it here for those of you to read who are not part of the forum:

My day started off in a crap way, when my friend told me that she couldnt take me to the hospital or be with my during the birth anymore, due to work sending her on a gig. I was so upset, I just burst into tears. Her hubby was going to take me and go in with me instead, but I didnt feel that comfortable. Anyway, it was time to go and so off we went, me still in tears all the way to the hospital. When we got there my friend phoned and said she had finished and she was on her way! I was so relieved, I started crying again! Please note: I was an emotional wreck the whole day!

Then my other friend arrived - he is from the UK and is a qualified obstetrician, although he is still waiting to register here ( he came with me to most of my scans, and my dr likes him so much, he has offered him a position in the practice as soon as he gets registered) Anyway, my dr asked him if he wanted to assist in the delivery, and of course he said yes. So he arrived and tried to calm me down. I was so confused because I didnt know why I was so upset - this was the day I was going to meet my children, and I was so terrified.

Then the aneasthetist arrived (during this time they hooked me up to the machines to check the babies heartbeats etc) and he was so nice. Went through the whole process with me etc etc ( me still crying!)

And then it was time to go down to theatre. My 2 friends were there waiting for me, as well as my gynae. The anaesthetist brought in his ipod and started playing music. And then inserted the drip - you ladies were right! That was the most painful part! Then after a few minutes he numbed my back and then did the spinal. He also gave me something like dormican to relax me. And then gynae began to cut.

After a few seconds Daniel was pulled out and screamed instantly!! I just started crying (even in my very relaxed state) at the sound of my first born. The paed whisked him away and was so shocked when he weighed Daniel - he was 3.23kg's.

After that I heard the gynae say "foot" to my friend gynae and then felt my friend push my stomach down and I heard the waters break. A minute after Daniel was born, out came Joshua at 14:35pm, also crying. He weighed 2.56kg's. Afterwards I found out that the reason he said "foot" was because Joshua's little foot was up against his chin, which could have been a problem, but they sorted it out quickly.
(I was given the option of doing natural birth, as Daniel's head was down and Joshua was turning, BUT I would have ended up having an emergency c-section due to Joshua's foot, which wasnt picked up on the scan - so just as well I never opted for natural. I would have been peeved if I did natural with one and then had to do emergency c sec on the other!)

They then warmed the babies up, and whilst doing that they stitched me up and also removed my cervical stitch.

Back in my room, all I wanted was my children!!!! As the nurse brought my babies in, I started to get those horrible shakes from the anaesthetic. I tried holding my babies, but was shaking too much!

And then everyone arrived to meet them! The date is very special for me, as it is the day that my mom passed away 12 years ago. So with death, there is life


And that is basically my story

Thanks for reading!

xxx

Wednesday 19 May 2010
Daniel - 14:34pm
Joshua - 14:35pm

My Last Belly Pics :(

Taken at 38 weeks and 2 days

4 more days

In 4 days time my life will change forever. I will become a mom.
I am so scared, my hands are shaking as I type this.
Am I abnormal? Most women I know cannot wait for the day that they get to meet their baby/ies, yet I am just terrified. I think it's because I am doing this solo, but I can't pin point it.

Fear has set in!

Well, I made it to 36 weeks! Yippee! With the scares I have had, I was seriously convinced that my boys were going to be born at 30 weeks. But they have hung in there, and I am so proud of them!

Having said that, I have been experiencing pain for the last few days. No cramping or contractions,just severe pelvic and groin pain. I must say I have been feeling rather miserable emotionally as well.

Obviously, with the due date approaching, fear has set in big time! I am so scared of the actual birth. I have been thinking about it non stop. I am scared of going into theatre. I am scared of the epidural. I am scared of the feeling of being numb and not having movement in my legs for 20 hours or so. I am scared of feeling the catheter. I am scared of something going wrong during the delivery.

And then after the birth - I am scared that I will not bond with them. I am scared that they will spend weeks and weeks in NICU. I am scared that I will go into a depression. I am scared I wont get any milk. I am scared I am not able to support them the way they deserve to be supported. I am scared that I wont be able to do this

Still baking

I have been such a bad blogger!!!!!!
I promise I will give a proper update very soon. Just to let you know, my boys have made it to 34 weeks and are still baking nicely in mommy's uterus!

Will keep you posted