WTF?????

Remember I told you a few weeks ago that I finally told my Dad that I was planning on the whole single mom route? And remember I told you that he was very supportive of my decision?

How stupid of me not to think that he would change his mind!

Had breakfast with him today, and he said that I shouldnt do the IVF thing, as it has too many negatives assoiciated with it. His current wife's (affectionately known as Bitch from Hell)daughter in law fell pregnant after her 3rd IVF 5 years ago. Now her daughter has some kind of hormonal imbalance, and as a result, she has to be on hormone supplements until she is like 20.

Now they have all decided that she has this hormonal imbalance due to the fact that she was conceived via IVF and that she was prem!!!!!!!!! Have you ever heard such bull shit in your life?

I know many people who's babies have been prem, and they are fine. I also know of many babies conceived via IVF, and they are all fine. In fact, this kid is the first kid I know that has had a problem. So should one conclude and say that was a stupid assumption to make?

Now my Dad doesnt want me to do IVF because of this. I should rather adopt - less problems there. How would one know? You could end up with a sickly child as well!

I have had such a bad day today, and this conversation just made it a million times worse!

Frustrated and Bored

I am so frustrated with this IF journey, I could pull my hair out!! And I am so bored with my life, I want to fall asleep just thinking about it!

*Deep breath*

I think I have forgotten how to be happy

No really, I'm not kidding! Just sitting in my lounge now and for some reason I started to think about happiness. What is happiness? When was the last time I experienced happiness?And, I dont have an answer!
I've just realised that I am a miserable person. My focus is 150% on infertility, babies, pregnancy etc etc. Well, after two years of being with a FS and still no baby... that makes me miserable.
I hate my job! I used to be a freelance performer before taking on a 'real' job with a steady income. I LOVED performing. Performing was my life and soul. When I decided to become a single mom, I gave that up for something else that was going to be my life and soul, a child.
But here I am, two years later, sitting in a job that I hate with empty arms. What is the point?
And I am miserable! I cant remember the last time I laughed. Not a polite laugh, but a laugh that comes from the very bottom of you belly. I used to laugh a lot like that.
I dont want to go out. I stay at home and stay miserable. My friends had to drag me out the house this weekend, kicking and screaming (literally) to go enjoy a few hours at Lusito land. I didnt want to go. I wanted to stay at home, alone.
When will I be truly happy again? When my arms are no longer empty. When will that be? Who knows. Its been two long years already

I would die for that

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

The Waiting Game

I want to be pregnant now! I want my child. Is this too much to ask? I'm tired of playing the waiting game. I am tired of imagining the child I am going to have "one day".

Everyone tells me that it will happen "in Gods time". Well, when is that? Can He give me a sign? I feel as though He is playing a cruel and sick joke on me.

I cant take this anymore. I am tired of always being positive and happy for everyone else who gets their BFP's. I am tired of looking at pics of pregnant bellies. Yes, I am jealous. Not just a bit. A LOT. I will admit it!

I must look like such an idiot when I walk through the baby section in Edgars. "When I am pregnant, I want to buy this camper cot, and this sleigh cot, and this stroller etc etc" I am living in fantasy land.

I am sorry if I have offended anyone. I just want to be pregnant now

For Marthie!

Tomorrow you get to meet your son!!!! It seems surreal, but it's happening! You and DH have been on an intense IF journey, as well as your foster parenting journey, and now your miracle awaits you!

Wishing you and DH all the best! May the birth go smoothly and quickly.
Hold him and kiss and let him know that he is the most loved baby in the world!

I am really happy for you guys!

A little bit more about me

Got this off Kim's blog, so thought I would do it too.

Here goes:


1. Do you prefer reality tv or dramas or comedies?

It's a toss up between dramas (such as Greys Anatomy) and Comedies (my all time favourite: Friends)

2. If you could have free cosmetic surgery, what would you have done?

My thighs sucked up!

3. What are you itching to get but you have 'bitten the bullet'?

Face products! I have run out of my Regima creams, so using el cheapo's and putting the money away for IVF!

4. Do you have a bad habit that you hope your children don't pick up?

I am VERY impatient!

5.What was your favorite meal growing up?

Roast chicken! Still one of my favourites!

6. What meal did you have as a youngster that you don't have as an adult?

Liver!!! Eeeeuuuwwww!

7. What is your earliest memory of a "vacation"? Where'd you go?

Cape Town! We went every year. All my mom's side of the family are there. It was awesome!

8. What was the "Best Thing" you ever got for Christmas, before age 12?

Roller skates (Skates, not blades! We didnt have rollerblades in my day!)

In dire need

Of new bra's!!! Seriously! My bra's are falling apart!
Strange how I tend to neglect my underwear. Ok, not my undies, just my bra's! So today I decided to get some new ones.

I struggle to get a bra to fit me properly, so I generally stick to one or two tried and tested brands. However, it appears that they have discontinued my bra's!! Can you believe this??!! I went to 4 different shops, and nada. Nothing.

So what do I do now? I tried on a couple of other brands, but good grief, it was an effort. Needless to say, after nearly 2 hours of trying on bra's, I ended up coming home empty handed

I am having doubts

About this new clinic, and this isnt a good thing!

Went for blood tests this morning. Now at my previous clinic I would go in at 7am for bloods and at 10am I would phone for results. This place, however, operates differently. I went in at 7am for bloods, most of them will be ready this morning, except for the AMH results. They only run that batch on a Friday, and it was too late to get mine in today( what time do they run them from? 4am? I mean, is it too complicated to squeeze in 1 more?) But now I have to make an appointment with the FS to discuss the results. Ok......
The earliest appointment I can get is..........................

the 12th of MAY. For fucks sake, I muist wait virtually an entire month to get the results?????? I think that is stupid! What if for example my estrogen levels are low and I need to go on meds to improve it. I must wait a whole month now to get told this, and only then start meds. Everything ends up setting me back by a month because of this crap!!!

I seriously want to cry. I am so fucking frustrated!

Alias

1. Your Real Name: Eve Meyer

2. Your Gangsta Name (first 3 letters of your name + izzle): Eveizzle

3. Your Detective Name (favourite colour & animal): Purple Horse

4. Your Soap Opera Name (Nickname, and current street of residence): Evelyn Oxford

5. Your Star Wars Name ( The first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, and the last 3 letters of your fathers name): Meyevald

6. Your Goth Name (Black + the name of one of your pets): Black Sam

7. Your Stripper Name (Name of your first pet, and mothers maiden name): Monty Setterington

AF, oh AF, where art thou?

Typical friggin AF!! When you dont want her, she arrives bang on time, in all her glory, and when you do want her, she is AWOL!!!!!!!!

I want her to arrive tomorrow so that I can do my tests on Friday. I really, really, REALLY dont want to have to schlep through to the clinic on the weekend to arrive there by 7am!!! I need my sleep time.

So please, AF if you are listening, please speed it up and arrive tomorrow, or take a train, check out the scenery, and rock up here on Sunday.

Pretty please?

**UPDATE: She arrived 30min after writing this post!!! Yippeeeee!!! So that means my day 1 would be tomorrow (Thurs) right?

Who decides how I feel??????

Am I not allowed to feel Blah today?

Update from the new FS meeting

Not that great. He told me that based on the findings of my last lap, my old FS should have realized that the only way for me to fall pregnant is via invetro. IUI will never work. He is really worried about my AMH levels being at 0.3 already. Also suspects endo growing behind my womb.

SO now I have to go back on my next day 2 for another batch of blood tests etc etc. I am so sick of all of this. It's just one curve ball after another. People are telling me that at least I now have a plan. I've been having a plan for 2 years now!!!!!!

I'm a traitor!

I have made an appointment with another clinic to get a second opinion. for next week Wednesday (8th April) I had to phone my current clinic to get a copy of my file and collected it today.
I felt like such a traitor!
I have not made peace yet with the decision of going for a second opinion. I must say that I really love Dr VS. He is truly wonderful. He supported me and cared about me. He even did some of my IUI's without charging me, and I rarely paid for my scans with him! (He understood that I was doing this along and that I dont earn a lot) He is wonderful, and I would recommend him to anybody.

And I feel guilty. After everything he has done for me, and I just slap him in the face!
I feeel as though I am being pulled from both directions.

I just need a sign. Something to tell me that I have made the right decision.