Ok, Scrap All The Positivity! I'm Pissed Off!!

Looks like my fucking endo is back :( Went for a scan and FS can see grey spots on my ovaries - that's what my previous FS saw on the scan and, whoa, hello stage 3 endo!
Come on, it's been less than a year since my last op! I will now have had 3 laparoscopies in less than 3 years

Lap scheduled for 14th July

I just want to cry

Preparing My Body

I have been trying to prepare myself physically for my IVF. My dad is still thinking about how he feels regarding all of this, and I havent quite got his blessing yet, however, I am going ahead mentally with this already!

So, this is how I am preparing myself:

I stopped smoking 5 months ago ( A good start, I think!)
Switched to decaf (Have about 5 cups of caffeine per month)
Started taking the following supplements:
2x Staminogro
2x Omega 3 1000mg
2x Probiflora 4 strain (Couldnt find the 9 strain, so figured the 4 strain would be the next best)
1x Folic acid forte

I am also trying not to eat carbohydrates after 4pm, although I am not always getting that right! Apparently carbs at night spike your insulin levels, and high insulin levels results in poor egg quality.

Anything else I should be taking or doing right now?

Frustrated and Bored

I am so frustrated with this IF journey, I could pull my hair out!! And I am so bored with my life, I want to fall asleep just thinking about it!

*Deep breath*

I think I have forgotten how to be happy

No really, I'm not kidding! Just sitting in my lounge now and for some reason I started to think about happiness. What is happiness? When was the last time I experienced happiness?And, I dont have an answer!
I've just realised that I am a miserable person. My focus is 150% on infertility, babies, pregnancy etc etc. Well, after two years of being with a FS and still no baby... that makes me miserable.
I hate my job! I used to be a freelance performer before taking on a 'real' job with a steady income. I LOVED performing. Performing was my life and soul. When I decided to become a single mom, I gave that up for something else that was going to be my life and soul, a child.
But here I am, two years later, sitting in a job that I hate with empty arms. What is the point?
And I am miserable! I cant remember the last time I laughed. Not a polite laugh, but a laugh that comes from the very bottom of you belly. I used to laugh a lot like that.
I dont want to go out. I stay at home and stay miserable. My friends had to drag me out the house this weekend, kicking and screaming (literally) to go enjoy a few hours at Lusito land. I didnt want to go. I wanted to stay at home, alone.
When will I be truly happy again? When my arms are no longer empty. When will that be? Who knows. Its been two long years already