My Last Belly Pics :(

Taken at 38 weeks and 2 days

Still baking

I have been such a bad blogger!!!!!!
I promise I will give a proper update very soon. Just to let you know, my boys have made it to 34 weeks and are still baking nicely in mommy's uterus!

Will keep you posted

28 Week Scan

I had my 28 week scan yesterday.
Everything is looking good. Baby A is weighing 1.2kg's and Baby B is weighing 1.1kg. Baby A is STILL lying head down! Gynae isnt worried, but, even though I have been reassured that he is fine, I cant help wondering if it isnt hurting his poor little neck?! Baby B has moved and is now lying across my tummy. His head is on my left and basically has his brother's feet in his face.

I am getting very tired these days, and very emotional. Good grief, the emotions!! I cant stop crying! I know it is normal and something I just need to get through.

I just realised yesterday that if I make it to 36 weeks (Please Lord, let me get to at least 36 weeks)my boys will be born in the same month that my mom died. I like to believe that is a sign!

Here is my latest belly picture, taken today at 28 weeks and 4 days:

My 4D Scan

I had my 4D scan this morning. I was so looking forward to it. I got to Linkwood Clinic, filled in my booking form ( I had to pay R1480 to book in, which covers my first night!!! - heck, its expensive) and then made my way up to the first floor for my scan.

Baby A is still lying upside down so all I managed to see was the back of his head. And a full head of hair! Must say I was dissapointed that I never got to see him.

It was also a bit of a challenge to get a look at Baby B, as the umbilical cord was right in front of his face, but the sonographer eventually managed to get a profile picture of him:



After my scan I went on a quick tour of the hospital. The rooms are stunning! Only 8 rooms. All private. Each room has a queen sized bed with a feather duvet and feather pillows. A bassinet is next to the bed. You hubby or partner is allowed to stay over. They have unrestricted visiting hours. And each room has a private en suite bathroom, with a bath to use for water birth, if you wish to go that route.
Stunning, stunning, stunning!

Then I went to the NICU section. Boy, that was a bit scary! I saw a baby that was born yesterday at 31 weeks weighing 1.6 kg's. He was so so tiny. He seemed to be drowning in his prem nappy.

Anyway, it was a nice experience overall. I cant wait for my boys to be born, but please, they need to be a substantially healthy weight!!!

Helloooo, Hellooo, Hellooo

Yes, I am still around! I am sorry that I havent posted here in months. To be honest, I havent been very inspired to write, but seeing as though some of you have been asking, I've decided to attempt my first post of the year!

Ok, where to start? Well, I am now 25 weeks and 3 days pregnant! Time is really flying. My boys are now weighing around the 800gram mark. As some of you know, I had a bit of a bumpy ride (excuse the pun) the last couple of weeks. Firstly, I had to have a cervical stitch done as my cervix was shortening too quickly. If I didnt have the stitch put in, my chances of going into pre-term labour were very good. I was booked off work for a few days and put onto strict bedrest. The second day back to work after the rest I was involved in a car accident. Not my fault! To cut a long story short, I had 3 cars go into the back of me. So back to the gynae who booked me off for another 8 days!

Anyway, I am back at work again. Trying to take things easy, but it is difficult not being able to do everything, when you are so used to doing everything in the past!

What else? Oh, it seems like most of my gaurdian angel's help has fallen through - not her fault. The pram that she was going to give me was involved in an accident. Her sister lent the pram and her car also got rear-ended. The metal frame of the pram is badly damaged and will cost quite a bit to fix. And then, her contact at Pampers nappy factory no longer works for Pampers, so I lose out now on the years supply of nappies :( That was going to be one HUGE saving. But anyway, no use crying over spilt milk!

I havent done my nursery yet, and now with the whole stitch debarcle, I wont be able to clear my study out and turn it into a nursery until the babies arrive, as that will involve heavy lifting etc which I am not allowed to do. That is ok though, as I am moving in with a friend of mine for the first few months of my maternity leave. She and her domestic worker will help me with the boys. So, a nursery really isnt going to happen right now. I know that decorating a nursery is more for the parents and really means nothing to the babies, but I still wanted it to be special. I will get there though.

Well, I think that is all for now. I will hopefully update here more often!

Fruit of the month:

An eggplant


Let your spouse put an ear to your belly -- he might be able to pick up baby's heartbeat (no stethoscope required). Inside the womb, the formation of tiny capillaries is giving baby a healthy pink glow. Baby's also soaking up your antibodies, getting the immune system ready for life outside the womb. Eyes are forming, and baby will soon perfect the blink -- perfect for batting those freshly grown lashes.

Not The Tomb Raider I Thought I Could Be

When embarking on my journey to being a single parent, I thought I was strong enough to do this on my own. And I think I coped pretty well over the past two and a half years. Going to the FS on my own for the first time (and every time after that) Scans done alone. IUI's done alone. Handled BFN's on my own. Had no one with me when I went in for my laps. Going through the IVF journey on my own. No one to share my two lines when I pee'd on a stick. Getting the news that it is twins etc etc Of course, I had my online buddies and support via sms, face book etc. and thank God for them!

But now I wish I was doing this with someone. In fact, to be honest, I always wished I was doing this with someone. I just put on the tough cookie image. I wish I had that special DH who would go with me to my scans. To help ease the fear of carrying two babies. To tell me that I look great even though I know I look like a hefalump right now, and will be 3x times a hefalump in the months to come. To massage my feet when they are throbbing and rub my back when it is aching. To help choose a nursery theme. To be there when I bring these babies into this world.

But that is not to be. So, yet again, I hold my head high, throw my shoulders back, put on a smile, and convince and everyone that I CAN do this, when I am actually not so sure that I can

Week 14

Yesterday was a sad day for one of our OPM members, Karin. She lost her twin boys at 17 weeks and 3 days. She delivered them yesterday morning. I am so sad for her and DH. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

Fruit of the week:

A Lemon




Your adorable little fetus is busy with thumb sucking, toe wiggling, and (not so cute but equally amazing) making urine and breathing amniotic fluid as the liver, kidneys and spleen continue to develop. Lanugo (thin, downy hair) is growing all over the body for warmth

Where is that girl?

Today I went for my nuchal translucency scan with Proff. Nicholaou. According to him, things seem fine with both babies. The risk of downs is 1 in 3100 for each of them. He says this is good Is it?
Anyway, he also said that both babies are boys. Well, to say I am dissapointed is an understatement. I am broken! I so desperately wanted a girl! I always have, and always thought I would have a girl.

So I left the doctor's room trying to keep my composure, and burst nto tears once I got into my car. It seems as though this whole journey has just been one huge emotional rollercoaster. From the moment I got my first beta!

Some of you know how I have been battling with the twin issue. (See previous posts. I dont have the energy right now to give a summary)And now I have taken another blow with the fact that they are both boys.

The question I ask myself is: Where is that girl who so badly wanted children? So badly, that she would do ANYTHING to have a baby. She has gone and I am now someone eho still wants to reverse this whole mess. I dont even know if I want children anymore. Is this normal????
I see children and I want to cry.

Week 13

Cant believe I am 13 weeks already! (Well, 13 weeks and 2 days)
But I am having a rather down day today. I am back to thinking "I cant do this"
I look at my home situation and wonder how the hell I am going to make this work. I live in an upstairs unit in a townhouse complex. I have to get up a few steps from where I park the car, and then up 2 sets of stairs to my house. Doing that with a twins stroller and to babies?
Then, the second bedroom is so small. I dont think I will fit 2 cots and a chest of drawers in the room, never mind a feeding chair etc.
My car: Will I fit a pram into the boot?

This just gets me so down. A lady on OPM just posted pics of her nursery, and I just wanted to cry. It was so beautiful and so spacious
It just makes me sad.

Anyway, here is this weeks fruit:

A Peach




Your fetus is forming teeth and vocal cords... savor this, their non-functional phase. Baby is approaching normal proportions, with a head now only one third the size of the body. Intestines are in the process of moving from the umbilical cord to baby's tummy. (Much more convenient.)

Week 12

I went for my first scan with my new gynae yesterday. (Well, not my gynae, but his partner) I was only due to go on Friday, but there was a measles scare at work, so I phoned the gynae and was told to come in for tests. While I was there, his partner decided to scan me. Both babies are doing well. Heartrates both at 167bpm and 58mm and 59.9mm in length. The one baby was very active.

Now this gynae wants me to see Prof Nicolaou for a nucheal fold thingie. SHe also sent me for the down's syndrome blood test. Is it not a bit early to have that test done?

Anyway, here is the fruit of the week:

A plum



As you move into the second trimester, baby shifts into the growth and maturation stage. After weeks in the critical development stage, almost all of baby's systems are fully formed

My 11 Week And 1 Day tummy

Ok, I have finally come out of hiding, so to speak. I have been going through quite a rough time, but I think I am getting there. There are days where I feel I can handle this, and other days where I know I cant. It has seriously been a mind f@%k for me. I know some people have thought that I am ungrateful (I know this because 1 person even sent me a PM and told me that she was angry with me for feeling the way I have been feeling)

Anyway, I am now 11 weeks and 1 day, and my tummy is already showing. I posted the following pics on OPM today, and the girls there said I wasnt that big, but I dont know if they were just been supportive or actually meant what they were saying ;)
So, what do you think? Honest opinions please. Am I going to be really big with this pregnancy?

Week 11

A lime



Your fetus currently enjoys a 1:1 ratio between body and head, and has skin so transparent that blood vessels show right through. But, fingers and toes are no longer webbed, and hair follicles, tooth buds and nail beds are forming -- setting up a significantly more attractive future.

Week 10

Prune




With bones and cartilage starting to form and vital organs beginning to function, baby is making major progress. Body length will almost double in the next three weeks, and arm joints are now working. (Soon, legs will too.)

Will be more verbal with my posts soon

Week 9

An olive

Your little embryo has now officially graduated to fetus-hood. Adding to the excitement, a Doppler ultrasound device might be able to pick up the beating heart. With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like... well... a baby!

This might be a little off, seeing as I could hear the heartbeats at my 6 week scan? Not sure though

Week 7

A Blueberry



Baby's brain -- both hemispheres! -- is growing fast, generating about 100 new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging as joints start to form, and a permanent set of kidneys (baby's third!) is now in place.

Oh, and for those of you who have'nt heard ye, it is twins

Week 6

Well, it is 2 more sleeps until my first scan! I am excited, scared, nervous all wrapped into one! The queasiness has really kicked in. I start fealing queasy at around 8:30am, and it lasts until about 14:30pm. Not fun! All I want to do is curl up under my desk!

Week 6


Growing like crazy, baby is starting to sprout eyes, ears, nose, cheeks and chin. Those little hands and feet- still webbed like paddles- might wiggle by week's end, the heart is beating (almost twice as fast as yours!), and blood is starting to circulate.

Feeling Bitter

WARNING: THIS IS A NEGATIVE POST ABOUT THE PROBABILITY OF ME HAVING MULTIPLES. PLEASE DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU FEEL YOU MIGHT BE OFFENDED

I never wanted twins. Never ever. I know people who pray to have twins or trips, but I have never been one of them. But now, it looks as though I will have twins, maybe even trips. I just got my 3rd beta back - 10318. Who am I kidding? It is pretty inevitable.

Financially I am not in a situation to have twins. I do not earn a lot. In fact, it would have been tough with one child, but I wolud have managed. But 2? NO WAY! I know my finances and my debt. What the hell am I going to do????
2x Dependants on Medical aid.
2x sets of nappies
2x formula
2x creche fees
2x paedeatrician consult fees
2x schools
etc etc etc.
I will never even be able to think of getting a night nurse. I am not even in a position to sell my car and get a bigger one to fit the fucking twin pram in.
How am I going to do this?
I should be in my element right now, celebrating my pregnancy, but all I am feeling is bitter

week 5



Your embryo (looking kind of like a tadpole) is starting to form major organs (heart, kidney, liver, stomach) and systems (nervous, circulatory, digestive). Baby's presence in your uterus triggers production of hCG (the hormone detected by pregnancy tests)... which triggers production of other hormones like estrogen and progesterone... which trigger all those great symptoms you've probably been noticing!

What Would You Do?

I saw a question posted on the 'other forum' and thought it was quite an interesting one. It got me thinking:

Deciding on my donor: would you choose a donor who has already had a positive pregnancy or one that hasnt? Having a positive pregnancy means that there are half siblings running around the country, but it also means that the sperm can make a baby!
Selecting a donor that hasnt yet achieved a pregnany - could his sperm perhaps not make a baby, even though his count and motility is high? Is he still fairly new on the program and no one has used him? Could it be the woman using his sperm currently that is battling to make the baby?

What would you do? This is an important decision for me!

I think I have forgotten how to be happy

No really, I'm not kidding! Just sitting in my lounge now and for some reason I started to think about happiness. What is happiness? When was the last time I experienced happiness?And, I dont have an answer!
I've just realised that I am a miserable person. My focus is 150% on infertility, babies, pregnancy etc etc. Well, after two years of being with a FS and still no baby... that makes me miserable.
I hate my job! I used to be a freelance performer before taking on a 'real' job with a steady income. I LOVED performing. Performing was my life and soul. When I decided to become a single mom, I gave that up for something else that was going to be my life and soul, a child.
But here I am, two years later, sitting in a job that I hate with empty arms. What is the point?
And I am miserable! I cant remember the last time I laughed. Not a polite laugh, but a laugh that comes from the very bottom of you belly. I used to laugh a lot like that.
I dont want to go out. I stay at home and stay miserable. My friends had to drag me out the house this weekend, kicking and screaming (literally) to go enjoy a few hours at Lusito land. I didnt want to go. I wanted to stay at home, alone.
When will I be truly happy again? When my arms are no longer empty. When will that be? Who knows. Its been two long years already

The Waiting Game

I want to be pregnant now! I want my child. Is this too much to ask? I'm tired of playing the waiting game. I am tired of imagining the child I am going to have "one day".

Everyone tells me that it will happen "in Gods time". Well, when is that? Can He give me a sign? I feel as though He is playing a cruel and sick joke on me.

I cant take this anymore. I am tired of always being positive and happy for everyone else who gets their BFP's. I am tired of looking at pics of pregnant bellies. Yes, I am jealous. Not just a bit. A LOT. I will admit it!

I must look like such an idiot when I walk through the baby section in Edgars. "When I am pregnant, I want to buy this camper cot, and this sleigh cot, and this stroller etc etc" I am living in fantasy land.

I am sorry if I have offended anyone. I just want to be pregnant now