My Birth Story

I already posted this on OPM, but have added it here for those of you to read who are not part of the forum:

My day started off in a crap way, when my friend told me that she couldnt take me to the hospital or be with my during the birth anymore, due to work sending her on a gig. I was so upset, I just burst into tears. Her hubby was going to take me and go in with me instead, but I didnt feel that comfortable. Anyway, it was time to go and so off we went, me still in tears all the way to the hospital. When we got there my friend phoned and said she had finished and she was on her way! I was so relieved, I started crying again! Please note: I was an emotional wreck the whole day!

Then my other friend arrived - he is from the UK and is a qualified obstetrician, although he is still waiting to register here ( he came with me to most of my scans, and my dr likes him so much, he has offered him a position in the practice as soon as he gets registered) Anyway, my dr asked him if he wanted to assist in the delivery, and of course he said yes. So he arrived and tried to calm me down. I was so confused because I didnt know why I was so upset - this was the day I was going to meet my children, and I was so terrified.

Then the aneasthetist arrived (during this time they hooked me up to the machines to check the babies heartbeats etc) and he was so nice. Went through the whole process with me etc etc ( me still crying!)

And then it was time to go down to theatre. My 2 friends were there waiting for me, as well as my gynae. The anaesthetist brought in his ipod and started playing music. And then inserted the drip - you ladies were right! That was the most painful part! Then after a few minutes he numbed my back and then did the spinal. He also gave me something like dormican to relax me. And then gynae began to cut.

After a few seconds Daniel was pulled out and screamed instantly!! I just started crying (even in my very relaxed state) at the sound of my first born. The paed whisked him away and was so shocked when he weighed Daniel - he was 3.23kg's.

After that I heard the gynae say "foot" to my friend gynae and then felt my friend push my stomach down and I heard the waters break. A minute after Daniel was born, out came Joshua at 14:35pm, also crying. He weighed 2.56kg's. Afterwards I found out that the reason he said "foot" was because Joshua's little foot was up against his chin, which could have been a problem, but they sorted it out quickly.
(I was given the option of doing natural birth, as Daniel's head was down and Joshua was turning, BUT I would have ended up having an emergency c-section due to Joshua's foot, which wasnt picked up on the scan - so just as well I never opted for natural. I would have been peeved if I did natural with one and then had to do emergency c sec on the other!)

They then warmed the babies up, and whilst doing that they stitched me up and also removed my cervical stitch.

Back in my room, all I wanted was my children!!!! As the nurse brought my babies in, I started to get those horrible shakes from the anaesthetic. I tried holding my babies, but was shaking too much!

And then everyone arrived to meet them! The date is very special for me, as it is the day that my mom passed away 12 years ago. So with death, there is life


And that is basically my story

Thanks for reading!

xxx

Wednesday 19 May 2010
Daniel - 14:34pm
Joshua - 14:35pm

Fear has set in!

Well, I made it to 36 weeks! Yippee! With the scares I have had, I was seriously convinced that my boys were going to be born at 30 weeks. But they have hung in there, and I am so proud of them!

Having said that, I have been experiencing pain for the last few days. No cramping or contractions,just severe pelvic and groin pain. I must say I have been feeling rather miserable emotionally as well.

Obviously, with the due date approaching, fear has set in big time! I am so scared of the actual birth. I have been thinking about it non stop. I am scared of going into theatre. I am scared of the epidural. I am scared of the feeling of being numb and not having movement in my legs for 20 hours or so. I am scared of feeling the catheter. I am scared of something going wrong during the delivery.

And then after the birth - I am scared that I will not bond with them. I am scared that they will spend weeks and weeks in NICU. I am scared that I will go into a depression. I am scared I wont get any milk. I am scared I am not able to support them the way they deserve to be supported. I am scared that I wont be able to do this

28 Week Scan

I had my 28 week scan yesterday.
Everything is looking good. Baby A is weighing 1.2kg's and Baby B is weighing 1.1kg. Baby A is STILL lying head down! Gynae isnt worried, but, even though I have been reassured that he is fine, I cant help wondering if it isnt hurting his poor little neck?! Baby B has moved and is now lying across my tummy. His head is on my left and basically has his brother's feet in his face.

I am getting very tired these days, and very emotional. Good grief, the emotions!! I cant stop crying! I know it is normal and something I just need to get through.

I just realised yesterday that if I make it to 36 weeks (Please Lord, let me get to at least 36 weeks)my boys will be born in the same month that my mom died. I like to believe that is a sign!

Here is my latest belly picture, taken today at 28 weeks and 4 days:

My 4D Scan

I had my 4D scan this morning. I was so looking forward to it. I got to Linkwood Clinic, filled in my booking form ( I had to pay R1480 to book in, which covers my first night!!! - heck, its expensive) and then made my way up to the first floor for my scan.

Baby A is still lying upside down so all I managed to see was the back of his head. And a full head of hair! Must say I was dissapointed that I never got to see him.

It was also a bit of a challenge to get a look at Baby B, as the umbilical cord was right in front of his face, but the sonographer eventually managed to get a profile picture of him:



After my scan I went on a quick tour of the hospital. The rooms are stunning! Only 8 rooms. All private. Each room has a queen sized bed with a feather duvet and feather pillows. A bassinet is next to the bed. You hubby or partner is allowed to stay over. They have unrestricted visiting hours. And each room has a private en suite bathroom, with a bath to use for water birth, if you wish to go that route.
Stunning, stunning, stunning!

Then I went to the NICU section. Boy, that was a bit scary! I saw a baby that was born yesterday at 31 weeks weighing 1.6 kg's. He was so so tiny. He seemed to be drowning in his prem nappy.

Anyway, it was a nice experience overall. I cant wait for my boys to be born, but please, they need to be a substantially healthy weight!!!

What Would You Do?

I saw a question posted on the 'other forum' and thought it was quite an interesting one. It got me thinking:

Deciding on my donor: would you choose a donor who has already had a positive pregnancy or one that hasnt? Having a positive pregnancy means that there are half siblings running around the country, but it also means that the sperm can make a baby!
Selecting a donor that hasnt yet achieved a pregnany - could his sperm perhaps not make a baby, even though his count and motility is high? Is he still fairly new on the program and no one has used him? Could it be the woman using his sperm currently that is battling to make the baby?

What would you do? This is an important decision for me!

For Mandri

I know that today is the day that your babies should have turned a year old. And I know that your heart is breaking. How much, I will never know, but I am sad for you and DH. You have been on my mind the whole day.

They are with God. He is looking after them, and they are looking down on you.

I'm sure the angels threw a lovely party for them, and they played in the clouds.

It's not easy, and we will never understand why it happens.

I think I have forgotten how to be happy

No really, I'm not kidding! Just sitting in my lounge now and for some reason I started to think about happiness. What is happiness? When was the last time I experienced happiness?And, I dont have an answer!
I've just realised that I am a miserable person. My focus is 150% on infertility, babies, pregnancy etc etc. Well, after two years of being with a FS and still no baby... that makes me miserable.
I hate my job! I used to be a freelance performer before taking on a 'real' job with a steady income. I LOVED performing. Performing was my life and soul. When I decided to become a single mom, I gave that up for something else that was going to be my life and soul, a child.
But here I am, two years later, sitting in a job that I hate with empty arms. What is the point?
And I am miserable! I cant remember the last time I laughed. Not a polite laugh, but a laugh that comes from the very bottom of you belly. I used to laugh a lot like that.
I dont want to go out. I stay at home and stay miserable. My friends had to drag me out the house this weekend, kicking and screaming (literally) to go enjoy a few hours at Lusito land. I didnt want to go. I wanted to stay at home, alone.
When will I be truly happy again? When my arms are no longer empty. When will that be? Who knows. Its been two long years already

I would die for that

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

The Waiting Game

I want to be pregnant now! I want my child. Is this too much to ask? I'm tired of playing the waiting game. I am tired of imagining the child I am going to have "one day".

Everyone tells me that it will happen "in Gods time". Well, when is that? Can He give me a sign? I feel as though He is playing a cruel and sick joke on me.

I cant take this anymore. I am tired of always being positive and happy for everyone else who gets their BFP's. I am tired of looking at pics of pregnant bellies. Yes, I am jealous. Not just a bit. A LOT. I will admit it!

I must look like such an idiot when I walk through the baby section in Edgars. "When I am pregnant, I want to buy this camper cot, and this sleigh cot, and this stroller etc etc" I am living in fantasy land.

I am sorry if I have offended anyone. I just want to be pregnant now