Feeling Bitter

WARNING: THIS IS A NEGATIVE POST ABOUT THE PROBABILITY OF ME HAVING MULTIPLES. PLEASE DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU FEEL YOU MIGHT BE OFFENDED

I never wanted twins. Never ever. I know people who pray to have twins or trips, but I have never been one of them. But now, it looks as though I will have twins, maybe even trips. I just got my 3rd beta back - 10318. Who am I kidding? It is pretty inevitable.

Financially I am not in a situation to have twins. I do not earn a lot. In fact, it would have been tough with one child, but I wolud have managed. But 2? NO WAY! I know my finances and my debt. What the hell am I going to do????
2x Dependants on Medical aid.
2x sets of nappies
2x formula
2x creche fees
2x paedeatrician consult fees
2x schools
etc etc etc.
I will never even be able to think of getting a night nurse. I am not even in a position to sell my car and get a bigger one to fit the fucking twin pram in.
How am I going to do this?
I should be in my element right now, celebrating my pregnancy, but all I am feeling is bitter

week 5



Your embryo (looking kind of like a tadpole) is starting to form major organs (heart, kidney, liver, stomach) and systems (nervous, circulatory, digestive). Baby's presence in your uterus triggers production of hCG (the hormone detected by pregnancy tests)... which triggers production of other hormones like estrogen and progesterone... which trigger all those great symptoms you've probably been noticing!

In Transit

I am not too sure where I currently stand (or sit)on OPM at the moment. I sort of feel as though I am in limbo.
I no longer belong in the TTC category, but I dont quite feel as though I have a right to post in the preggy lounge. I did ask 1 question but still, it doesnt feel right yet.

Also, I have been so used to the infertility journey and have learnt so much about the world of infertility, but I know nothing about the pregnancy journey! I am completely clueless!

My first scan is on the 12th October. Hopefully after that scan I will be ready to cross over.
But for now, I wait with my cup of decaf coffee in the transit lounge!

I'm Pregnant!

So, Yesterday moring (Sunday) I woke up at 5am to take a pregnancy test. I was 11dp3dt. I was just about to leave it in the bathroom when, holy moly, a second line!!!!! I have never gotten a second line. EVER!!

So I waited until a fairly resonable hour to sms Paula and let her know, and off she sends me to a Lancet lab to go do bloods. I go do the bloods (after being grilled as to why a surgeon wants a pregnancy test from a 'so-called' patient) and then the waiting began!

I was going out of my mind! It was such a long day. I even did another hpt to see if the second line was still there!
Anyway, at 6pm Paula phones:

P: Congrats Eve, you are pregnant

Eve: (Giggling) Really? Oh wow! What was the beta?

P: 208!

Eve: What? Oh crap!!!

So the panic set in already = the possibility of twins. I cant afford to look after twins at all! (anyway, that is for another post)

This morning I decide to go do my official test at Vitalab. The sister phones back an hour later, and says: Congrats! You are pregnant! Your beta is 290!

I went back to Vitalab this afternoon for another script for Cyclogest etc and further instrucions. WHile I was waiting for the sister to bring my script, Dr Jacobson walks into the office with a huge grin on his face! He hugged me so tightly and said: Evie my sweetheart! Congratulations! This is excellent news, and I cannot wait to hear your baby's heartbeat! He is so sweet!

My first scan is only on the 12th October! Another wait! Oh, and she says I am roughly 4 weeks pregnant.

So, here I am. Pregnant. And not sure how I am feeling. Is this normal? Because I want to cry out of sheer panic.

My baby is currently the size of a poppyseed:

In week 3, sperm meets egg, and voila: conception! Your little zygote sets off on a six-day trek through your fallopian tubes, dividing and redividing into identical cells as it travels to your uterus.


In week 4, now safe in your womb, the ball of cells (blastocyst) splits in two, becoming the embryo and the placenta. The amniotic sac and fluid are forming around baby, and will act as a cushion for the next eight months.

Sharks

Yesterday my car went in for it's 60 000km service. About an hour and a half after arriving back at work, I get a phone call from them. They tell me that they found two problems (yikes, already?!) The first problem was 'apparently' quite dangerous - it was some hose that was attached to the radiator that was leaking. (Sounded bad enough, but what do I know about cars?) The second problem was that my front brake pads were 'apparently' worn and the discs needed to be skimmed. What? Ok, so I dont know much about cars, but I sure as hell do know that they definately dont need to be skimmed!

So I told the guy to replace the hose (R850) and leave the brakes and skimming for now (R1500 excl labour). This morning I took my car to some garage near my work and just told them that they need to check if my fron brake pads needed to be changed. I didnt tell them about the skimming, as I didnt want them to think they could tell me that the discs did need skimming, when it really didnt.

Anyway, about an hour later the mechanic phones me and says: "Hi, I have just driven your car around the block. What exactly is your complaint?" So I tell him that I was told that my brakes needed changing and discs skimmed. He said he couldnt feel anything while driving (neither could I) but he will take a good look.
Another hour later he phones back and says: "Ma'am, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your brakes. In fact, you have at least another 25 000km's use out of them" Can you friggin believe that?

I was so angry! To think that they were trying to con me out of more than R1500 (that I dont even have!) And it makes me wonder if the hose needed to be replaced after all!

So, I went back to fetch my car and pay the mechanic R125 for his time.

Sandton Ford are bastards!!!!!

2WW From Hell!

I can honestly say that this is the worst 2ww of my life! Probably because it is the last 2ww I will ever go through, positive or negative.

So these are my symptoms (or not):

Sore and huge breasts - Pregnant, AF, or Cyclogest?
Twinges in my ovaries(None today though) - Pregnant, AF, or Cyclogest?
Pulling feeling in my uterus(not today though) - Pregnant, AF, or Cyclogest?
Tired during the day - Pregnant, AF, or Cyclogest?
Insomnia (last night) - Pregnant,AF, or Cyclogest?
Hot flushes (last night) - Pregnant,AF, or Cyclogest?
Feeling sad - Pregnant, AF, or Cyclogest?

I can go on and on and on here. None of these are a pregnancy only symptom. And boy, am I feeling depro today. Dooi posted her preggy announcement, and I am so very happy for her. SHe and her DH have been waiting for this day for 4 years!!!! At last! But, I must admit that there is a teeny tiny part of me that feels a little bit jealous. (I am ashamed to admit that) I am scared that I am going to get left behind here. Are these horrifically harsh thoughts to be thinking?

Anyway, that's me for now

Goodbye To An Onscreen Legend

Patrick Swayze passed away last night at the age of 57, after losing his battle to pancreatic cancer.


Rest in peace Patrick. You will forever be remembered. You are an icon in the movie industry.

My thoughts and prayers go out to his family, especially his wife of 34 years

Day 3 Fert Report and Embryo Transfer

So today I got up bright and early, very eager to meet my embabies! I was called inot Dr G's office and he proceeded to tell me how they were doing:

1 - Looking good - 8 cells
2 - Not looking good - 8 cells, but genetic abnormalities (wtf??)
3 - Not looking good - 7 cells, but genetic abnormalities (again, wtf??)
4 - Stopped growing
5 - Not looking good - 7 cells, but lots of fragmentation
6 - Not looking good - 6 cells, but genetic abnormalities (and again, wtf??)
7 - Looking good - 9 cells

I looked at Dr G dumbfounded, who saw my face and quickly said that we at least have two good embies to transfer. I then asked if there were any good enough to freeze (why I asked after hearing the results, I dont know) and he said 'no, unfortunaltely'. I burst into tears. He took my hand and said, 'lets not focus on the back up plan gone wrong, lets focus on the 2 beautiful embies that we are going to put back inside you for now'

I went downstairs to the theatre to prepare for Embryo Transfer and I could not stop the tears from falling down my face. I tried to stop crying, and was managing ok until I went into theatre.
Everything was fine up until the point where Dr G told me that he was now transferring the embryo's. I started crying again. I am not sure why.

So now I have to embryo's inside me, and I am feeling pretty drained.

The genetic abnormalities has bothered me. Is it me causing the abnormalities? I shouldnt think it would be the sperm.

So this is it. If this fails, it's over. For good. Yesterday I was convinced I had a back up plan. I have no back up plan anymore.

I know I am supposed to be positive, but I dont know how to be. Please help. Right now I am an emotional mess

Day 2 Fert Report

So this morning I was nervous as hell! I had to phone at 10am again to see how my embabies were doing.
EVENTUALLY 10am rolled by and I was immediately on the phone. Frigging hell, no one was answering! I phoned and phoned and phoned and I was just reaching their voicemail! They should know better than to put a woman who is panicking about her embabies through this! Finally I got through to Joy, and she said: "Congrats, you still have 7 embies in the running!"
Yippeeee!! I was so happy to hear that. 2 out of my possible 3 slower embies made it! My boss has told me that those 2 are my "special children!" LOL!!

So, tomorrow morning at 8am I must see Dr Jacobson. We will discuss my embryo's and decide if any are good enough to transfer tomorrow, or if I should wait and do a 5 day transfer.

Wish me luck people!!!

Day 1 Fert Report

Well, I have 5 embies that have definately fertilized, and another possible 3. I was hoping for a definate 8, but I am not complaining! I just hope that while I am typing this, they are all dividing!
I have to phone the lab tomorrow at 10am for the next update. Crikey, this is so stressful! I havent been able to concentrate at work at all today!

I just want to thank those of you who have been supporting me through this and who have been praying for me. Please dont stop praying. I am relying on your prayers. My embabies are relying on your prayers!!!

Will update you again tomorrow!!

ER Update

This morning I arrived at Vitalab at 7am. I was so scared! I had been praying the whole weekend that I would get a decent number of follies and of good quality. My friend who took me there was quite supportive, and even tried cracking a couple of jokes just to calm me a bit.
I was the 4th person to have ER done today. The first lady went in and had 11 eggs removed. The second lady had a GIFT procedure done, so I am not sure how many they retrieved and put back. The third lady had 5 eggs removed. I could see she was dissapointed with her results, and of course this gave me heart palpitations.

Anyway, I went in to theatre. Dr G performed my ER. He is a sweet man. They gave me all the gases and injections that was supposed to sedate me, however, I was told that I chatted throughout the procedure! How embarrasing!
Well, the first thing a did after they wheeled me back into the recovery room was look at my hand. And this is what I saw:





And I immediately started thanking God! I was so chuffed to see that I had 10 eggs retrieved! The sneaky little buggers must have been hiding behind the other follies!

SHame, the lday who went in after me seemed to have an unpleasant experience. SHe was wheeled out of theatre crying. Apparently she could feel the whole procedure! She said it was so damn sore. I felt so sorry for her.

So, that is one phase down. The next is to hear how many of them fertilized. Another stressful waiting period. Does it ever end?

Consistently Decreasing

So, in my previous post I reported that I was a bit down for only seeing 6 follies at my scan. I went for another scan this Thursday and there were 11 decent sized follies!! I was in my element! I walked around with a stupid grin on my face the whole day! Then on Friday I went for another scan, and there were only 8 follies! I was a bit unsettled by this, but thought that some of the follies must have been hiding behind the others, and the FS just couldnt pick them up on the screen.

Well, I went for my final scan this morning, and there were only 6 eggs!! What the fuck is happening?

I dont understand it. How can I go from 11 down to 6 in 5 days? I am not talking about the smaller sized follies, becasue they dont really count anyway. It's the ones that were around 19mm. Where the fuck are they??

This has now got me panicked. What if I rock up for Egg Retrieval on Monday to find I only have 2 follies left?
I cant believe this is happening to me!