Today I went for my nuchal translucency scan with Proff. Nicholaou. According to him, things seem fine with both babies. The risk of downs is 1 in 3100 for each of them. He says this is good Is it?
Anyway, he also said that both babies are boys. Well, to say I am dissapointed is an understatement. I am broken! I so desperately wanted a girl! I always have, and always thought I would have a girl.
So I left the doctor's room trying to keep my composure, and burst nto tears once I got into my car. It seems as though this whole journey has just been one huge emotional rollercoaster. From the moment I got my first beta!
Some of you know how I have been battling with the twin issue. (See previous posts. I dont have the energy right now to give a summary)And now I have taken another blow with the fact that they are both boys.
The question I ask myself is: Where is that girl who so badly wanted children? So badly, that she would do ANYTHING to have a baby. She has gone and I am now someone eho still wants to reverse this whole mess. I dont even know if I want children anymore. Is this normal????
I see children and I want to cry.
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4 years ago
Eve, remember I had a post called "Thou shalt not bargain with the Lord"? Remember that I promised God could do ANYTHING and give me ANY conceivable "side effect" as long as it resulted in a live baby?
ReplyDeleteWell he took me up on my offer for a live baby but he also decided to take me up on my offer of the side effects.. I threw up for 9 months, barely picked up any weight, was sick as a dog etc. a.k.a Hyperemesis Gravidarum. To add insult to my injury : I seriously wanted a boy, was beyond overjoyed when the initial scans showed a boy.. it made the vomitting worth it.. When I found out my little master to be was actually a lady, I felt stomach punched!!!
It seemed to me at that point that God had a terrible sense of humor, here I was vomitting my lungs out and it wasn't even for the baby's sex I wanted..
I know that I am nowhere near your situation, I am not single (albeit I have a husband, he can do nothing for her) and I most certainly are not raising twins.
What I can tell you, is that all your internal battles with God/Religion etc are normal. It's normal to feel Cheated/punished.
The truth be told, and I am very sorry if I now offend you or make you feel worse for saying this is :
You made a bargain with God, you might not have been specific with what exactly you wanted, but truth be told God kept his side of the bargain. And now it's your turn to keep your side... Now you have two options..
1) Continue to stress about their sex and your financial situations and all the normal other worries ( and trust me, once they arrive those worries multiply )
or
2) Try and make the best of the hand you were dealt with and start trusting in God ( I know he has a sick sense of humor when he takes us up on our bargain).
Eve, I don't want wish anything bad on you EVER, but I need you to just sit and think, that if something were to happen to Either or both babies now, would you be able to live with it.. Regret it a terrible thing, don't ever create an environment for yourself where you might (GOD forbid) ever have to say.. If only.
I know you just being true to your feelings, but trust me, you really don't want a life without them either!
I don't want to make you feel worse, if it came across like that I must apologise! If you feel I got it all wrong please, please remove my post!
I am so sorry you feel this way!
No you are right Zeu. I made my bed, now I need to lie in it. I just dont understand why I am feeling this way.
ReplyDeleteI am trying to get my head around this. I know there is no turning back and yes, I know that I would be devastated if something had to happen to one or both of them.
I just want to know why God thinks I can handle this (as the saying goes: He will never give you more than you can handle, right?)
Ai my friend! I am sorry you are still battling. The truth is that twins are a shock to the system. It took me many moons to get used to the idea, I am talking at least half the pregnancy, and I knew from the beginning that it was a distinct possibility. Then just as I started to settle down (for me the thing was, jumping from one child to THREE stressed me out like you cannot believe), the babies were born, prem in the NICU, and the problems continued. I had trouble bonding with them there. Then you take them home and yes it is hard. So still trouble. BUT THEN Eve, you reach 8 months (yes around 8) and suddenly everything is OK. Suddenly the babies are everything you have ever wished for. And yes perhaps both will have dangly bits but when they start following you around, crawling into your lap, hiding behind you from strangers, smiling at you when they see you first thing in the morning, then my friend "that girl" will be back! And those two babies will adore you like you cannot believe, like nothing you have ever seen before. The next year or so you migth feel this way, and yes I know it is long, but after then, my word Eve, you will never look back. Twice the work, twice the worry but belive me, 100 X the love.
ReplyDeleteYou really are most welcome to drop by and see "twins in action", it would be lovely to see you! Let me know.
xx
Eve!!!!
ReplyDeleteShame you poor thing! Vent all you like but give yourself an "end date" and then.... I think start facing facts and making plans and you'll feel better.
I tend to do the denial thing and actually when I face facts, they are not that bad.
Like the finances.
You know what? Start asking yourself, "HOW will I afford these baby boys?" and God will show you, same as when He showed you how to get the money for IVF.
And look on the bright side - your boys can interchange clothes, only have to worry about blue stuff (with mine it was so awful - you get NO decorations in green or nice neutrals, it's pink or blue - that's it! - hence my bare stone walls), etc, etc.
Hi Eve,
ReplyDeleteI think the others have said it all. Just please, please, please remember that your reactions at this stage are hormone-fuelled, which just adds to the whole situation.
I was thinking about you this morning: I seems that God has chosen you to raise two beautiful sons. Two boys who will become men, men who will marry. You have the key to a new generation. You have the chance of sending the world two men who could change the world, and be wonderful husbands and fathers. And perhaps you will have the grandaughters you long for!
xxx