I've just realised that I am a miserable person. My focus is 150% on infertility, babies, pregnancy etc etc. Well, after two years of being with a FS and still no baby... that makes me miserable.
I hate my job! I used to be a freelance performer before taking on a 'real' job with a steady income. I LOVED performing. Performing was my life and soul. When I decided to become a single mom, I gave that up for something else that was going to be my life and soul, a child.
But here I am, two years later, sitting in a job that I hate with empty arms. What is the point?
And I am miserable! I cant remember the last time I laughed. Not a polite laugh, but a laugh that comes from the very bottom of you belly. I used to laugh a lot like that.
I dont want to go out. I stay at home and stay miserable. My friends had to drag me out the house this weekend, kicking and screaming (literally) to go enjoy a few hours at Lusito land. I didnt want to go. I wanted to stay at home, alone.
When will I be truly happy again? When my arms are no longer empty. When will that be? Who knows. Its been two long years already
Oh Eve, hope your spirits are lifted somehow.
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Eve,
ReplyDeleteThis infertility business is so awful, somehow we seem to lose ourselves and become someone else.
I pray you find peace of mind and a little laughter in your soul soon.
Nix
XOXOXO
Ag shame man. I know what you are talking about, after the 1.5 years it took to conceive the twins I was in the same place, and even throughout the pregnancy, because it felt so unreal and was high risk, I continued to feel that way. It is only now that I am feeling the glimmers of happiness, when my babies smile at me. It is worth it, hang in there, your happiness is around the corner. xoxo
ReplyDeleteEve, what can I do or say to make you feel better. Nothing. It sucks that you are in a job you hate. Sometimes we need to shift focus and build ourselves up, regardless of the means to sustain another dream. Sometimes we need to look away from our dreams and work on making ourselves happy regardless of the dream. It's then when we are most unaware of God's work that miracles happen. This is what I believe, and I try to live by this. I decided long agao that I will still love God, My DH and my life even without a child. I try very hard each day to keep myself (my heart) alive and living for the real things I can achieve. It's what keeps me sane, but sometimes I also feel like you. This is one of the hardest journeys to travel. It's like a dark cloud that decends and it takes away our view of the people we are, we only see ourselves as the women with empty arms. But we are so much more than that. We are bright, intelligent, able, strong, compassionate, God believing woman, that have faced so much more heartache than most and we still hang onto the dream. In fact we hang on so tightly that we somtimes loose sight of ourselves, but in the end we all triumph. Whether it be with or without being called mom. We always rise above the ashes and stand tall as ambassadors for the fight. Hope you feel better soon. If you ever come this way, please let me know!!!
ReplyDelete(((((HUGS))))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry my friend! I have also forgotten how to be happy, hopefully soon we will remember!
ReplyDelete(((((HUGS)))))